Midnight Mind & Monday Muddle

Towards the end of August/beginning of September I was just feeling exuberantly blessed. School was about to start, I was back at BG, I got to see friends I hadn’t seen all summer, I didn’t have to drive 3 and a half hours to see Austin, and we got our engagement pictures taken. I could just feel how blessed I was and I was in awe.

My car even broke down on the day of the engagement pictures and it was the best possible time for it to happen. Crazy right? Well I got to where I needed to be on time and then the belt broke. I was safe, was able to park my car, and Austin’s family was so gracious to me by letting me borrow a vehicle. I even got my car in the shop, fixed, and back to me the next day. Many would be upset their car broke down, but I was thankful that it happened when it did. Life was good and I was excited.

Fast forward a little to now.

I’m never hungry. I eat meals and never get full. I don’t really feel any emotions. I just feel blah and I don’t even remember when I didn’t feel this way. And to me that’s scary because I’m not feeling like myself and I have no clue why.  Look at these pictures of two flowers I took. The same flowers, but obviously so different in demeanor.

 

 

 

 

 

This is a visual representation of my feelings right now. Before school I was the flower on the left and now I’m currently stuck being the flower on the right. I’m in a funk that I don’t know how to get out of.

I read an article talking about different chemicals and their effects on happiness. Accordingly, I need a boost of serotonin, dopamine, testosterone, oxytocin, and endorphins.

Serotonin is apparently dealing with the feeling of calmness. I would say that I’m pretty calm, even right now. The article did strike me when it said that funks can occur when we feel out of control.

A dopamine boost would apparently get rid of my blah feeling. Testosterone is the hormone for strength and capability. I’m sure I have enough oxytocin from all the hugs I get from Austin, so I’m good there. Endorphins come from the feeling of excitement.

So what am I getting at?

I don’t think I’ve been the same Brittany since school has started getting intense. I’m taking the least amount of credit hours I’ve ever had, but yet I think I’m the most stressed. I also have been working the past month and I think it is just all becoming too much.

I nap too much. Watch too much Netflix when I should be studying. I loathe Organic Chemistry.  I’m never hungry but I eat anyways and then feel bad about it, even though I know I need to have my daily meals. I’m not running like I used to. I get irritated so quickly, even at the smallest thing. I’m anxious for graduation to be here already.

WebMd said that I was depressed (but I know that’s not true).

I don’t think I handle or even recognize stress in myself the way others do. I don’t “feel” stressed, but I know something has changed. I don’t really feel anything besides blah. I don’t know how to describe it and I’ve never felt blah this long.

But I think I’m figuring out why.

I’ve been a student for the past 17 years (I think it’s that long) and when December 19^th comes, who I was for so many years is not anymore. I will no longer be a student. I will be a graduate. A graduate with no clue of her future. I’ve always known the next step in my life and for the first time in 21 years, I’m clueless. Sure, I have some thoughts. But no concrete proof. From once I graduate until August 2016 my life is a mystery to me.

I don’t really feel worried so much, but maybe that’s because right now I don’t really feel any emotion. I’ve just been waiting to wake up one day feeling as blessed as I was at the beginning of August.

I knew this time in my life would come, the waiting game of uncertainty. It’s just weird being on this side of it and not being the one who’s being supportive of the person feeling these ways. It’s so hard to be comforted with the same advice you once gave, even though you know it was as true then as it is today.

So this is where faith and trusting the Lord come into play. Maybe this is my time to wait and wait….patiently. I’ve learned a lot of patience throughout college and this could be my test to see how much I listened.

How do I respond to this season of uncertainty? In worry? Or in praise of the One who knows my future? Letting doubts flood my mind? Or keeping my eyes on the Heavenly Father?

I feel in a way this is Satan tempting me. Telling me that I’m not smart enough to find a job. That I’m never going to be qualified enough to get an interview. But I choose NOT to believe those lies.

I KNOW that in God’s timing, I’ll be where He wants me doing what He had planned for my life before I was even born! My identity is rooted in Christ, and I know that He will get me through.

Will this be easy? No. Will I still feel down? Yes, I’m currently still in this weird feeling funk. But will I let any of that cause my faith to waiver? Absolutely not.

Deep in my heart, I know everything is going to work out. God promised to us that we shouldn’t worry because His plans are best for us. I need to give any doubts to the Lord and constantly remind myself of that truth. I need to tell the Devil to go back to Hell and let me love Jesus and trust the plans that I know the Lord has for me. I will wait for those Heavenly plans to become an earthly reality because I know they have to be amazing, because that’s who God is; amazing.

I recently went hiking with my good friend Shirley at Cuyahoga Valley National Park. That’s where these pictures came from. I was reminded of the beauty in the simplicity of spending time with nature. It was peaceful. The waterfalls were calming. I had the idea to take the pictures below.

The first one represents me and the second represents God.

The first picture is focused on the beginning of the circle, not really knowing what’s coming next. The future isn’t in focus. All I can see is the present and the rest is hazy. That’s me right now.

The second picture is the same as the first, except it’s visible all the way through. This is God. He can see my future. He knows what’s next. But He can also see where I am right now.

 

 

 

Where I am right now is exactly where He wants me to be. If I could already see what my future has in store, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the present. Maybe He’s telling me to slow down, stop wishing it was December 19^th, and enjoy my last semester of classes and being with friends and loved ones.

I’m not really sure yet if writing this blog has helped me, but I’m hoping it will. And I’m hoping that out there at least one of you can relate or even slightly understand what I’m talking about and that this in a way can help you. I know that I’m not alone in my feelings, and either are you. Also, you are loved and you are worth the plans that God could be having you wait for as well.

How Bad Do You Want It?

We once heard a story about a young man who wanted to find Jesus and strengthen his faith. He had been through a lot, including temptations again and again. He approached a pastor telling him his story and aspirations of wanting to change his ways for the Lord. The pastor, busy at the time and not able to hear his entire story, told the man to meet him at the beach the following day. The next morning, the young man showed up at the beach in a suit and he approached the pastor. The pastor grabbed the young man’s hand and said, “How bad do you wanna strengthen your faith and find God?” He said, “Real bad.” The pastor said, “Walk on out in the water.” When the man walked out into the water, he went waist deep and at this point was thinking that the pastor was crazy (all the young man was trying to do was strengthen his faith, not become a lifeguard). So the pastor, standing in the water himself, told the man to walk on out a little further. The young man, still unsure of what was going on, walked out until the water was just over his shoulder. The pastor again told the man to walk on out a little further. As the water level approached the young man’s mouth, he was thinking of going back to shore & that this pastor was out of his mind. So the pastor said, “I thought you wanted to strengthen your faith?” He said, “I do.” The pastor yet again said, “Then walk out a little further.” As the man moved forward, the pastor dropped the man’s head down, and held him down, all while the man was flailing trying to catch his breath. Just before the man was about to pass out, the pastor raised him up. He told the man, “This society (more particularly, the devil) is going to drag you down and use everything in its power to keep you down and distract you from Christ and refrain you from pursuing a life of faith. Just as I held you down until you couldn’t breathe, the devil will try to do the same with a number of different tactics. The longer you pursue Christ and a life of faith, the more you are defeating the devil, and making him move on to weaker victims. Your first step is to commit yourself to Him. If you seek Him, you will find Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. One thing is certain: you will not regret it!”

“I was wondering and I was wandering
So down and out, I was lost not found
History said, oh someone said, that you could never exist
But then a whisper, the start of a kiss
Came to me in all of a sudden like a dream, a fantasy
That day didn’t feel quite real
You took a half dead soul and You made me believe
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe”

-For King & Country (To The Dreamers)

The young man was so caught up in the world and society that he was so passive on God’s glory and the possibilities of what God could bring into his life. He never wanted Christ in his life until his life wasn’t progressing the way he wanted it to. The pastor was trying to make him realize that finding Jesus isn’t a one-day matter. It’s a lifelong commitment, until one day we reunite with Him in Heaven. It has the ability to transform and elevate our lives to something far greater than we could ever imagine! We’ve got to pursue and seek Him just as He does the same with us! In doing so, the devil becomes irrelevant and Our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ becomes everything. Jesus is waiting with His arms wide open (as evidenced by his sacrifice on the cross); all you have to do is say yes, and commit yourself to his calling.

A lot of people say they want to find Jesus or create a life of strong faith, but they don’t want it bad, they just kind of want it. They may go to Mass or Church on Sunday’s, but they go through the motions, not really paying attention. They go just so that it ‘looks good on their part’ or for some other reason. We live in a world, where Mass or going to Church is portrayed as “boring”, and the devil tempts us into thinking that sleeping in is the better option on the weekend. But if we truly understand the beauty of the Mass, or going to Church and what it portrays, I think we might see it in a different light. We would realize the beauty of God and just how magnificent and powerful being in His presence can be. Just imagine going to Mass or service on Sunday, and Jesus standing at the altar, in front of those praising Him. Would you be the one He points out as a slacker? Jesus gave us His life. The least we can do is worship Him with all that we have and be the light of Christ to everyone we meet (Matthew 5:16).

We were recently reminded of this while attending a Casting Crowns concert in which lead singer and Youth Pastor Mark Hall talked about the meaning behind their band’s logo.

 

Mark had taken his youth group on a mission trip to Geneva, Alabama. During the trip, they approached the largest and widest tree in the state, the Constitution Oak. The entire group was blown away by the astounding structure, due to its massive branches and wide base. Mark was informed by an old man that the tree will be in that spot forever, and that there was just as much going on beneath the surface as above. Mark noted that this is exactly how our faith should be. Many people are either rooted down in the word (think they know everything), or always do good just to be noticed, while doing nothing to pursue the word. You can never do enough good to make God love you anymore. Even though we don’t see the roots in the tree, they are just as important to the structure of the tree (it’s what keeps the tree in its place). Similarly, as Christians, we want to be rooted in the Word and in outwardly sharing His love.

	Meaning for Us	Meaning for Tree
Foundation	The Word	The Roots
Expression of the growth of the foundation	Christ like actions and teaching of Christ’s love	The Branches, Sturdiness, and Leaves

 

The Constitution Oak.

If a tree doesn’t have a strong foundation (roots), it’s not going to be healthy, grow, or last. Likewise, if our faith isn’t rooted in the Word, we will be more susceptible to society and won’t be able to share our authentic faith because the branches of our tree won’t be healthy, grow, or last.

“We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It's time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive”

Casting Crowns (Thrive)

 

The milder the label, the more potent the poison.

Being raised in the world vs. Being raised in Christ

Reaching out to others to teach them about the Bible and the grace of the Lord is what we are called to do as Christians. Since college is such a huge transition time for young people, it is important we try and teach about the good news of the gospel. College is the time that one’s way of life becomes molded into how it will be carried out when college has ended. Beliefs are solidified or pushed to the side, friendships are formed and some are broken, and sometimes relationships bloom.

Some topics are just placed on my heart and the following has been on my mind for a while. There is a generation of youth forming that has no regard towards the Lord and His faithfulness. Either the parents didn’t do the teaching or the young people just don’t want to listen. Their hearts haven’t been stirred with passion for the Lord. But it only takes one generation, one person to another, to show God’s mercy to them and change their life. God is hope and God is peace, among love, and grace, and so many other wonderful things. We can be the generation to teach the younger generation about God and what pursuing to live like Christ looks like. We are both the younger person and the older person. We learn from our elders, and then turn around and teach the youth. We need to be deliberate in teaching the youth about God and this is what we hope to do. “Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).

Recently, I went to a Hillsong Worship concert with Austin. We got the luxury of listening to the powerful speaker Christine Caine. The following analogy was one of the many intriguing and truthful statements she made: “If I take a bottle of poison, rip off the label and put a new label on it that said chocolate syrup and put it in the fridge, you would think I am crazy.” But isn’t this exactly what the world has done? More specifically, isn’t this what the world has shown our youth and young adults? Sin that is deathly for our eternally fate seems to be the “fun” thing to do now. Poison has become tasteful chocolate syrup, or so that’s what the society says.

 

This took me back to a few weeks ago, when Austin and I were in line for a ride at Kings Island. There was a group of teens, probably freshman in high school, directly behind us talking about things that they shouldn’t even know about in detail, let alone be experiencing. They were talking about sex, having sex with this girl or that girl, and how to make sure she didn’t end up pregnant (I’ll put this in clean words). It literally broke my heart. It hurt my soul to know this is how they’ve grown up and that they see this as a normal act. But is it their fault, or our society?! “Sex is so in our face, and such a common thing, that we are slowly becoming more and more numb to it” (Ackerman). Society and technology, specifically social media, have completely distorted the minds of the youth. Instead of being seen as human beings, women have become commodities and tools for profits.

Looking back at the situation, both of us were just blown away, and wish we could have done something to change their ways or bring Jesus into their lives. It’s so hard when others cannot see Christ’s love or His amazing plan for their lives.

I am so thankful that I was raised in the church and have been grounded in good morals. I decided at a young age that I would stay pure until my wedding night. Not only do I want a white wedding, but it’s in God’s plan for us to live this way. We worship God with our bodies because our bodies are His temple. “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Just as I have vowed to stay pure, I have also never consumed alcohol because I am not 21 and it just doesn’t really interest me. On several occasions, when people find out these two things about me, their response is something like, “Wow, that is so awesome. I wish I could do that.” or “I wish I hadn’t started drinking when I did.” I never know how to reply to these because I don’t think of these things as feats; it’s just how I have decided to live out my life. The amazing thing about our Lord is that even if you’ve crossed the line with sexual boundaries or made mistakes, Jesus died on a cross for our redemption from our sins. “Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin” (Psalms 51:2). Even if you have started you don’t have to continue. There is freedom in forgiveness and life abundant in the Lord.

The world has shown us that sex is for our own pleasure without regard to the other person or our future spouse. God shows us that sex is designed in the context of marriage, uniting a husband and a wife.
 

·         “Drink water from your own well—
    share your love only with your wife.

Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
    having sex with just anyone?
You should reserve it for yourselves.
    Never share it with strangers.” -Proverbs 5:15-17

·         “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” - 2 Timothy 2:22

How many of us would love to own the rarest of cars? Virginity should be owned in the same light. Imagine owning a polished pearl necklace with no blemishes. Each time we cross the border of engaging in sexual behavior, we are losing a pearl because we are giving it away to the other person. If we choose the vocation of marriage, how many pearls will be left? God wants it to be the same blemish free and full necklace you started with. He can restore your pearl necklace back to its original state by His grace if you have given some pearls away. God is good and gracious. He loves you so very much and wants you to accept His grace that He freely gives. You don’t have to earn it; you just have to say yes to it. His arms are open wide and He is waiting for you to come to Him. Let today be the day you take the steps forward toward Him and let Him radically change your life.

The following blog has helped shape a new perspective on this topic:

http://chastityproject.com/2014/09/mystery-of-sex/