Postponed
An adjective I never thought would describe the one thing I was looking forward to this year after struggling so much (physically and emotionally) after graduation. But, that's just another let down. 2016 has been full of them. The whys don't matter; it's a fact I now have been trying to swallow. It hurts.
It's definitely wedding season and a giant slap in the face. It's hard to be at others weddings. It's hard when people who don't know yet ask me about the wedding. Do I lie or tell the truth? I keep getting registry emails and a countdown email from Wedding Wire. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not getting married on a date that was planned 14 months in advance. I'm reminded that what was supposed to be the best year of my life so far, has been the worst year of it (which is such an understatement).
I'm not sure if any of you have gone through this same thing, but it's almost like I'm grieving the loss of a person. I'm mourning all the excitement I had for the wedding. I'm mourning all the horrible stress I went through planning a wedding while still in college, which was all for absolutely nothing.
Those that are invited to the wedding should be receiving a note stating the postponement and the new wedding date instead of an invitation. Those that have asked about the wedding before this blog, I know that you didn't mean to make me sad. I know it's just a conversation point.
Now that you know, please don't ask about the wedding. I don’t even want to talk about the new plans. It's still a fresh wound and I know that I've been battling depression because of it. Stress has caused health problems for me, and this only adds to them. It’s a never ending circle of disappointments and pain.
An adjective I never thought would describe the one thing I was looking forward to this year after struggling so much (physically and emotionally) after graduation. But, that's just another let down. 2016 has been full of them. The whys don't matter; it's a fact I now have been trying to swallow. It hurts.
It's definitely wedding season and a giant slap in the face. It's hard to be at others weddings. It's hard when people who don't know yet ask me about the wedding. Do I lie or tell the truth? I keep getting registry emails and a countdown email from Wedding Wire. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not getting married on a date that was planned 14 months in advance. I'm reminded that what was supposed to be the best year of my life so far, has been the worst year of it (which is such an understatement).
I'm not sure if any of you have gone through this same thing, but it's almost like I'm grieving the loss of a person. I'm mourning all the excitement I had for the wedding. I'm mourning all the horrible stress I went through planning a wedding while still in college, which was all for absolutely nothing.
Those that are invited to the wedding should be receiving a note stating the postponement and the new wedding date instead of an invitation. Those that have asked about the wedding before this blog, I know that you didn't mean to make me sad. I know it's just a conversation point.
Now that you know, please don't ask about the wedding. I don’t even want to talk about the new plans. It's still a fresh wound and I know that I've been battling depression because of it. Stress has caused health problems for me, and this only adds to them. It’s a never ending circle of disappointments and pain.
If my life in 2016 could be
described in a bible verse it would be Proverbs 19:21. “You can make many
plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”
I completely understand and trusted
why job opportunities weren’t working out for me like I had planned them. I
knew something better was in store.
I do not understand why this has
happened. I felt 110% sure that August 13th was the God sent date to
wed. I am convinced that the devil is at work in this. I feel like the devil
has been attacking me since I graduated in December. I am so hurt and broken by
this, and I do not think that this is what God wanted for me. I’ve lost myself.
I feel as though I can’t even turn to my faith because I feel betrayed by it.
Words are hard to find to describe
my feelings, but this song is spot on. Most days, especially in the past 3 months,
this is how I’ve felt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHhHUZsXTBk.
In the midst of my struggles, I’ve
clung to Isaiah 66:9. “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to
be born, says the Lord.” It’s almost impossible for me to trust the Lord’s plan
for my life right now to be honest. One, because I don’t understand my life
currently. And two, because it’s hard to see the good that has to come from
this.
There’s a quote that I found on
pinterest that states, “If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would
understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.” I know deep down that
my suffering is not for nothing. Something good HAS to come from the sadness
and hurt that consumes me daily.
If this is the worst thing to happen
to me, then I guess life is going to be alright. But in the scheme of things
currently, that doesn’t help the hurt cease. The decision was not mine, which
is probably why it cuts so deep.
I’m still waiting for the Lord’s
purpose to prevail in this situation and this season of struggle in my life. I
hate not understanding. I hate hurting. I hate that I haven’t relied on the
Lord. I hate that the devil has been attacking me. I wish I was stronger, but I’m
not. I wish I was the happy Brittany that I always used to be. But right now, I
can’t feel much besides hurt. I need the Lord’s healing and protection, but I don’t
understand why it feels like I’m in this alone because I know I’m not. I need
to pray, but I have no words.
This song has been my heart cry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAmh3yvmzXs):
“I may never
understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
//////
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store”
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store”
-Thy
Will Be Done
“Underneath these broken pieces,
there is a heart that never stops. When you feel your life is bleeding, there’s
a heart that never stops, never stops beating. I might not know what the answer
is, but I know what the answer isn’t. It can’t be that He doesn’t care or He’s
non-existent. Suffering’s a problem and why many are rejecting God. But just cause
you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. What if God’s plan for
pain isn’t for you to skip it? We need the nightmare to appreciate not being in
it. /// He gives our pain purpose, this is not in vain. We endure, enjoy, for
the end joy of seeing His face. It’ll all make sense then, years of suffering
made up for in an instant.” - Heart Song
Waiting for the joy that comes in the
morning,
Brittany
