Trust in You

As most of you know that read what I write, the last time I posted anything I was struggling. Now, I’m writing again to say…..I’m still struggling. BUT, I have been able to see God’s grace and His plan throughout this season of uncertainty in my life. I recently graduated college in December of 2015 and I’m currently spending my days scrolling through job postings and applying to what I can. It’s exhausting. There are so many factors and questions that I need answers to, but they just aren’t coming as quickly as I would like. Some days the stresses and worries of not having a job to have money to pay for things like rent get the best of me and I get frustrated.

One day I was driving and heard a woman from the Proverbs 31 Ministry talking (on K-Love, I believe). She asks this simple but profound question: Are you going to let your raw emotions define you or refine you?

By this she meant that letting them define you makes you feel defeated. If you let them refine you, you find God’s grace in the situation. I can look back at so many instances in this short time since graduation that I have let my raw emotions define me. I have felt anger, defeat, and feeling that I am not good enough. I’m trying to get back to the cheerful Brittany that I once was (before my last blog post, so probably August 2015). Each week is a struggle and there’s usually always something little that gets me upset. But as of the latter, I’m seeking to let my raw emotions refine me so that I can see God working through me and my struggles.  

After I heard this on the radio, the song “First,” by Lauren Daigle came on. Recently, each time I hear this song, I just think about how true and powerful the lyrics are. I need to seek the Lord FIRST. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbWQV3OiRqA)

“Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
Before I lift my cares
I will lift my arms
I wanna know You
I wanna find You
In every season
In every moment
Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
And seek You”

I feel as if while God is preparing me for my future, He is giving me this time to just be present with my friends. I was really bad during the school year trying to make time for friends. Whenever I would be hanging out, I would be anxious or feeling that I needed to be studying instead. I am starting to see that this part of my life is being devoted to my friends. I’ve probably talked more to my roommates this month than all of last semester. I am thankful that I do have this time to spend just with my friends, especially knowing that it may be my last chance to spend so much time with them.

 Sometimes it’s difficult to see God working through my struggles, but last night was a clear message from Him. I was catching up on my daily devotional I got from the Opfer’s for Christmas. Here are the words for January 24^th, 2016:

“Lord, life’s circumstances have changed for me recently. Because of all that’s happened, I feel displaced and confused. Things don’t seem to be fitting together anymore. What used to motivate me and give me vision and hope is no longer a part of what I can focus on. I feel tired and apathetic. Right now I have no purpose or goals to purpose. Please help me.

Take away my apathy and replace it with zeal for whatever You are calling me to do. Help me to get my mind off myself and center my thoughts on You, Your word, and others.

I know that zeal You offer doesn’t come from whatever limited knowledge I have regarding my purpose and goals. You can give me an infinite zeal that comes through seeking first You and Your righteousness.

Even though I don’t see the whole picture of what You have planned for me, I will love and trust You for whatever You have in store each day. Help me not to think only about myself and my needs. Instead, I want to change my focus to caring about those around me with a true Christian love -- and to put their concerns and needs above my own.

How comforting to know, Lord, that only You are the One who understands everything You have planned. Thank You for urging me to hold onto the zeal You freely give. I pray that You will provide me with a Spirit-filled drive to serve You. Once again, please help me to put You first so I may love and obey You with all my heart, soul, and mind.

Even though I don’t know Your plans for me, I will try to be patient. As I trust in You, I’m already excited about whatever lies ahead.”

And here are just two paragraphs from the January 25^th, 2016 passage:

“God doesn’t just call us. He carefully prepares us for what He wants us to do. It’s important for us to stop and wait for further instructions from Him. It may take a few hours, days, months, or even years. Remember, Jesus patiently waited thirty years for God’s plan to be fulfilled.

It’s as important to wait and allow God to groom us for His work as it is to answer His call in the first place. As we learn to patiently listen, pray, and study the Bible, we’ll be able to serve Him in a far better way than if we were to rush out on our own.”

I was at Night of Worship when I read these and all I could think was wow, thank you Jesus. If I hadn't graduated yet, this would've just been another passage. I know this was all in God's timing. I had been having a hard time feeling God’s presence, and I know it was all on my end. I struggle in my prayer life, but I know that He has heard my cries out to Him. So many things have happened lately that I know God has had His hand on. I feel that I am so close to landing a job, but I’m still waiting patiently. I know God is preparing me and making me put all my trust in Him that He will provide for me. Some days aren’t easy, especially the longer I go without a job. But I know I will look back on this time in my life and see the purpose of it and how God was at work.

I know I need to lift Him up, especially in the storms of uncertainty.

I need to stop worrying and thinking of just myself and start focusing on loving others and loving God.

I need to replace my apathy with zeal.

I need to “Trust in You.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs#t=59)

“Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!”

I want to be able to look back and know I glorified the Lord even though I was struggling. I don’t only want to worship the Lord in the good times, but the bad as well. This is not easy, but it’s refreshing and humbling.  I know that He is with me and will never fail me. I’ve seen Him at work in others. I need to realize that He’s working in me too. I know the only reason I will make it out of the season of unknowns is because of Him, and for that I am so thankful.