Please Don't Ask About the Wedding

Postponed

An adjective I never thought would describe the one thing I was looking forward to this year after struggling so much (physically and emotionally) after graduation. But, that's just another let down. 2016 has been full of them. The whys don't matter; it's a fact I now have been trying to swallow. It hurts.

It's definitely wedding season and a giant slap in the face. It's hard to be at others weddings. It's hard when people who don't know yet ask me about the wedding. Do I lie or tell the truth? I keep getting registry emails and a countdown email from Wedding Wire. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not getting married on a date that was planned 14 months in advance. I'm reminded that what was supposed to be the best year of my life so far, has been the worst year of it (which is such an understatement).

I'm not sure if any of you have gone through this same thing, but it's almost like I'm grieving the loss of a person. I'm mourning all the excitement I had for the wedding. I'm mourning all the horrible stress I went through planning a wedding while still in college, which was all for absolutely nothing.

Those that are invited to the wedding should be receiving a note stating the postponement and the new wedding date instead of an invitation. Those that have asked about the wedding before this blog, I know that you didn't mean to make me sad. I know it's just a conversation point.

Now that you know, please don't ask about the wedding. I don’t even want to talk about the new plans. It's still a fresh wound and I know that I've been battling depression because of it. Stress has caused health problems for me, and this only adds to them. It’s a never ending circle of disappointments and pain.

If my life in 2016 could be described in a bible verse it would be Proverbs 19:21. “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”

I completely understand and trusted why job opportunities weren’t working out for me like I had planned them. I knew something better was in store.

I do not understand why this has happened. I felt 110% sure that August 13^th was the God sent date to wed. I am convinced that the devil is at work in this. I feel like the devil has been attacking me since I graduated in December. I am so hurt and broken by this, and I do not think that this is what God wanted for me. I’ve lost myself. I feel as though I can’t even turn to my faith because I feel betrayed by it.

Words are hard to find to describe my feelings, but this song is spot on. Most days, especially in the past 3 months, this is how I’ve felt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHhHUZsXTBk.

In the midst of my struggles, I’ve clung to Isaiah 66:9. “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” It’s almost impossible for me to trust the Lord’s plan for my life right now to be honest. One, because I don’t understand my life currently. And two, because it’s hard to see the good that has to come from this.

There’s a quote that I found on pinterest that states, “If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.” I know deep down that my suffering is not for nothing. Something good HAS to come from the sadness and hurt that consumes me daily.

If this is the worst thing to happen to me, then I guess life is going to be alright. But in the scheme of things currently, that doesn’t help the hurt cease. The decision was not mine, which is probably why it cuts so deep.

I’m still waiting for the Lord’s purpose to prevail in this situation and this season of struggle in my life. I hate not understanding. I hate hurting. I hate that I haven’t relied on the Lord. I hate that the devil has been attacking me. I wish I was stronger, but I’m not. I wish I was the happy Brittany that I always used to be. But right now, I can’t feel much besides hurt. I need the Lord’s healing and protection, but I don’t understand why it feels like I’m in this alone because I know I’m not. I need to pray, but I have no words.

This song has been my heart cry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAmh3yvmzXs):

“I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not

//////

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store”

-Thy Will Be Done

“Underneath these broken pieces, there is a heart that never stops. When you feel your life is bleeding, there’s a heart that never stops, never stops beating. I might not know what the answer is, but I know what the answer isn’t. It can’t be that He doesn’t care or He’s non-existent. Suffering’s a problem and why many are rejecting God. But just cause you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean there isn’t one. What if God’s plan for pain isn’t for you to skip it? We need the nightmare to appreciate not being in it. /// He gives our pain purpose, this is not in vain. We endure, enjoy, for the end joy of seeing His face. It’ll all make sense then, years of suffering made up for in an instant.” - Heart Song

 

Waiting for the joy that comes in the morning,

Brittany

 

Trust in You

As most of you know that read what I write, the last time I posted anything I was struggling. Now, I’m writing again to say…..I’m still struggling. BUT, I have been able to see God’s grace and His plan throughout this season of uncertainty in my life. I recently graduated college in December of 2015 and I’m currently spending my days scrolling through job postings and applying to what I can. It’s exhausting. There are so many factors and questions that I need answers to, but they just aren’t coming as quickly as I would like. Some days the stresses and worries of not having a job to have money to pay for things like rent get the best of me and I get frustrated.

One day I was driving and heard a woman from the Proverbs 31 Ministry talking (on K-Love, I believe). She asks this simple but profound question: Are you going to let your raw emotions define you or refine you?

By this she meant that letting them define you makes you feel defeated. If you let them refine you, you find God’s grace in the situation. I can look back at so many instances in this short time since graduation that I have let my raw emotions define me. I have felt anger, defeat, and feeling that I am not good enough. I’m trying to get back to the cheerful Brittany that I once was (before my last blog post, so probably August 2015). Each week is a struggle and there’s usually always something little that gets me upset. But as of the latter, I’m seeking to let my raw emotions refine me so that I can see God working through me and my struggles.  

After I heard this on the radio, the song “First,” by Lauren Daigle came on. Recently, each time I hear this song, I just think about how true and powerful the lyrics are. I need to seek the Lord FIRST. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbWQV3OiRqA)

“Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
Before I lift my cares
I will lift my arms
I wanna know You
I wanna find You
In every season
In every moment
Before I bring my need
I will bring my heart
And seek You”

I feel as if while God is preparing me for my future, He is giving me this time to just be present with my friends. I was really bad during the school year trying to make time for friends. Whenever I would be hanging out, I would be anxious or feeling that I needed to be studying instead. I am starting to see that this part of my life is being devoted to my friends. I’ve probably talked more to my roommates this month than all of last semester. I am thankful that I do have this time to spend just with my friends, especially knowing that it may be my last chance to spend so much time with them.

 Sometimes it’s difficult to see God working through my struggles, but last night was a clear message from Him. I was catching up on my daily devotional I got from the Opfer’s for Christmas. Here are the words for January 24^th, 2016:

“Lord, life’s circumstances have changed for me recently. Because of all that’s happened, I feel displaced and confused. Things don’t seem to be fitting together anymore. What used to motivate me and give me vision and hope is no longer a part of what I can focus on. I feel tired and apathetic. Right now I have no purpose or goals to purpose. Please help me.

Take away my apathy and replace it with zeal for whatever You are calling me to do. Help me to get my mind off myself and center my thoughts on You, Your word, and others.

I know that zeal You offer doesn’t come from whatever limited knowledge I have regarding my purpose and goals. You can give me an infinite zeal that comes through seeking first You and Your righteousness.

Even though I don’t see the whole picture of what You have planned for me, I will love and trust You for whatever You have in store each day. Help me not to think only about myself and my needs. Instead, I want to change my focus to caring about those around me with a true Christian love -- and to put their concerns and needs above my own.

How comforting to know, Lord, that only You are the One who understands everything You have planned. Thank You for urging me to hold onto the zeal You freely give. I pray that You will provide me with a Spirit-filled drive to serve You. Once again, please help me to put You first so I may love and obey You with all my heart, soul, and mind.

Even though I don’t know Your plans for me, I will try to be patient. As I trust in You, I’m already excited about whatever lies ahead.”

And here are just two paragraphs from the January 25^th, 2016 passage:

“God doesn’t just call us. He carefully prepares us for what He wants us to do. It’s important for us to stop and wait for further instructions from Him. It may take a few hours, days, months, or even years. Remember, Jesus patiently waited thirty years for God’s plan to be fulfilled.

It’s as important to wait and allow God to groom us for His work as it is to answer His call in the first place. As we learn to patiently listen, pray, and study the Bible, we’ll be able to serve Him in a far better way than if we were to rush out on our own.”

I was at Night of Worship when I read these and all I could think was wow, thank you Jesus. If I hadn't graduated yet, this would've just been another passage. I know this was all in God's timing. I had been having a hard time feeling God’s presence, and I know it was all on my end. I struggle in my prayer life, but I know that He has heard my cries out to Him. So many things have happened lately that I know God has had His hand on. I feel that I am so close to landing a job, but I’m still waiting patiently. I know God is preparing me and making me put all my trust in Him that He will provide for me. Some days aren’t easy, especially the longer I go without a job. But I know I will look back on this time in my life and see the purpose of it and how God was at work.

I know I need to lift Him up, especially in the storms of uncertainty.

I need to stop worrying and thinking of just myself and start focusing on loving others and loving God.

I need to replace my apathy with zeal.

I need to “Trust in You.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs#t=59)

“Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!”

I want to be able to look back and know I glorified the Lord even though I was struggling. I don’t only want to worship the Lord in the good times, but the bad as well. This is not easy, but it’s refreshing and humbling.  I know that He is with me and will never fail me. I’ve seen Him at work in others. I need to realize that He’s working in me too. I know the only reason I will make it out of the season of unknowns is because of Him, and for that I am so thankful.