Towards the end of August/beginning of September I was just
feeling exuberantly blessed. School was about to start, I was back at BG, I got
to see friends I hadn’t seen all summer, I didn’t have to drive 3 and a half
hours to see Austin, and we got our engagement pictures taken. I could just
feel how blessed I was and I was in awe.
My car even broke down on the day of the engagement pictures
and it was the best possible time for it to happen. Crazy right? Well I got to
where I needed to be on time and then the belt broke. I was safe, was able to
park my car, and Austin’s family was so gracious to me by letting me borrow a
vehicle. I even got my car in the shop, fixed, and back to me the next day.
Many would be upset their car broke down, but I was thankful that it happened
when it did. Life was good and I was excited.
Fast forward a little to now.
I’m never hungry. I eat meals and never get full. I don’t really
feel any emotions. I just feel blah and I don’t even remember when I didn’t feel
this way. And to me that’s scary because I’m not feeling like myself and I have
no clue why. Look at these pictures of two
flowers I took. The same flowers, but obviously so different in demeanor.
This is a visual representation of my feelings right now.
Before school I was the flower on the left and now I’m currently stuck being
the flower on the right. I’m in a funk that I don’t know how to get out of.
I read an article talking about different chemicals and
their effects on happiness. Accordingly, I need a boost of serotonin, dopamine,
testosterone, oxytocin, and endorphins.
Serotonin is apparently dealing with the feeling of calmness.
I would say that I’m pretty calm, even right now. The article did strike me
when it said that funks can occur when we feel out of control.
A dopamine boost would apparently get rid of my blah
feeling. Testosterone is the hormone for strength and capability. I’m sure I have
enough oxytocin from all the hugs I get from Austin, so I’m good there.
Endorphins come from the feeling of excitement.
So what am I getting at?
I don’t think I’ve been the same Brittany since school has
started getting intense. I’m taking the least amount of credit hours I’ve ever
had, but yet I think I’m the most stressed. I also have been working the past
month and I think it is just all becoming too much.
I nap too much. Watch too much Netflix when I should be
studying. I loathe Organic Chemistry. I’m
never hungry but I eat anyways and then feel bad about it, even though I know I
need to have my daily meals. I’m not running like I used to. I get irritated so
quickly, even at the smallest thing. I’m anxious for graduation to be here
already.
WebMd said that I was depressed (but I know that’s not
true).
I don’t think I handle or even recognize stress in myself
the way others do. I don’t “feel” stressed, but I know something has changed. I
don’t really feel anything besides blah. I don’t know how to describe it and I’ve
never felt blah this long.
But I think I’m figuring out why.
I’ve been a student for the past 17 years (I think it’s that
long) and when December 19th comes, who I was for so many years is
not anymore. I will no longer be a student. I will be a graduate. A graduate
with no clue of her future. I’ve always known the next step in my life and for
the first time in 21 years, I’m clueless. Sure, I have some thoughts. But no
concrete proof. From once I graduate until August 2016 my life is a mystery to
me.
I don’t really feel worried so much, but maybe that’s because
right now I don’t really feel any emotion. I’ve just been waiting to wake up
one day feeling as blessed as I was at the beginning of August.
I knew this
time in my life would come, the waiting game of uncertainty. It’s just weird
being on this side of it and not being the one who’s being supportive of the person
feeling these ways. It’s so hard to be comforted with the same advice you once
gave, even though you know it was as true then as it is today.
So this is where faith and trusting the Lord come into play.
Maybe this is my time to wait and wait….patiently. I’ve learned a lot of
patience throughout college and this could be my test to see how much I listened.
How do I respond to this season of uncertainty? In worry? Or
in praise of the One who knows my future? Letting doubts flood my mind? Or keeping
my eyes on the Heavenly Father?
I feel in a way this is Satan tempting me. Telling me that I’m
not smart enough to find a job. That I’m never going to be qualified enough to
get an interview. But I choose NOT to believe those lies.
I KNOW that in God’s timing, I’ll be where He wants me doing
what He had planned for my life before I was even born! My identity is rooted in Christ, and I know that He will get me through.
Will this be easy? No. Will I still feel down? Yes, I’m currently
still in this weird feeling funk. But will I let any of that cause my faith to
waiver? Absolutely not.
Deep in my heart, I know everything is going to work out.
God promised to us that we shouldn’t worry because His plans are best for us. I
need to give any doubts to the Lord and constantly remind myself of that truth.
I need to tell the Devil to go back to Hell and let me love Jesus and trust the
plans that I know the Lord has for me. I will wait for those Heavenly plans to
become an earthly reality because I know they have to be amazing, because that’s
who God is; amazing.
I recently went hiking with my good friend Shirley at
Cuyahoga Valley National Park. That’s where these pictures came from. I was
reminded of the beauty in the simplicity of spending time with nature. It was
peaceful. The waterfalls were calming. I had the idea to take the pictures
below.
The first one represents me and the second represents God.
The first picture is focused on the beginning of the circle,
not really knowing what’s coming next. The future isn’t in focus. All I can see
is the present and the rest is hazy. That’s me right now.
The second picture is the same as the first, except it’s
visible all the way through. This is God. He can see my future. He knows what’s
next. But He can also see where I am right now.
I’m not really sure yet if writing this blog has helped me,
but I’m hoping it will. And I’m hoping that out there at least one of you can
relate or even slightly understand what I’m talking about and that this in a
way can help you. I know that I’m not alone in my feelings, and either are you.
Also, you are loved and you are worth the plans that God could be having you
wait for as well.
